The PaxLair Press, Chesapeake (PaxLair Times) – April 1, 2013 – by Ashlynn – This coming month sees sweeping changes across the face of our dear kingdom with familiar faces holding new positions of power, economic upheaval in the vegetable sector, and strange new laws passed by the Royal Council.
So how will it affect the average citizen? Well I’m sure you’ll find out!
OZOG CROWNED KING OF BRITANNIA
Little has been heard of Blackthorn for quite some time – a situation which has been a cause for ever increasing concern as the weeks have gone by. But it has now been revealed that just over a week ago, our former king died after choking on a chicken bone in the dining room of his new castle.
The Royal Council has since spent considerable effort finding an heir without success. Deciding to widen their search, the council’s gaze came to rest upon Pitmuck Island and the pungent leader of the goblin tribe there.
Seeing what they believed to be excellent leadership skills, the council in their drunken wisdom decided to offer the crown to Ozog who immediately accepted it, and a low-key coronation was held a few days ago.
It is believed that the new king will make his first speech in the next week or so.
Easter Bunny Found Dead on Road to Yew
On it’s way to leave the gift of coloured eggs and other beloved trinkets to the children of our wonderful realm, the easter bunny was accosted by bandits along the Britain-Yew road a few days ago.
It seems the murderous mob had heard word of the bunny’s journey and lay in wait for the festive furry creature. Clues at the scene of the crime suggest the bunny tried to hide, exerting considerable effort in evading the bandits, but was eventually cut down by blade and spell. Royal Investigators believe the bunny made it only a few yards further before bleeding out onto the dirt road.
It is my regret to inform our kingdom’s little ones that there will be no easter eggs this year.
Yam Shortage Sparks Emergency
A kingdom-wide yam shortage has sparked protests and the passing of emergency legislation by the Royal Council this week. A poor yam harvest has driven up the prices of the well loved vegetable, with the lucky few successful yam farmers selling them for up to 100,000 gold a piece in the markets of Luna.
Angry yam lovers from Britain and Vesper descended upon the fields of Skara Brae – a well known yam growing region – in huge mobs, threatening to overrun yam ranches and seize any of the crop they could find. During one incident it is believed that the son of a well respected Yam farmer was killed and a house burned before guardsman from Skara Brae could restore order.
In response to the unrest the Royal Council passed a bill limiting the amount that can be charged per yam, however it seems the markets of Luna are a law unto themselves and it is unknown if this has had any effect on yam prices.
Scarlet Von Trinsic Escapes
It is alleged that infamous thief, brigand, murderer, and traitorous collaborator Scarlet Von Trinsic has managed to escape during a routine transfer from the City of Trinsic to the Court of Truth in Yew.
Scarlet is due to stand trial for her crimes against the Kingdom and it’s people and the transfer was in preparation for the event. However it appears that several of her lackeys managed to acquire the uniforms of Yewish guardsmen and pose as the receiving party. The transfer documents they held also seemed to be authentic.
Where she is now is unknown but we can be sure she has plans to expand her criminal enterprise now that she is free from the confines of prison.
Mushroom Fish Discovered Near Cove
Scholars from the Lyceum made an unexpected visit to Cove this week amid rumours of a new kind of fish seen swimming just off the coast and apparently caught in nets. A cursory glance of the aquatic curiosity describes a fishy creature with a head like a large mushroom.
Responding to a suggestion from one of the locals to try eating the thing resulted in a salmon-like flesh that tasted vaguely of miniature mushroom. The scholars indicated that it was safe to eat.
A product of twisted wizadry? the merging of fungus and fish through alchemy? Who knows, but I have a visit planned so I can try one of these fish for myself.
Announcments
Goblin party planned for April 15th at 8pm. Will the king make an appearance? Who knows.
Adventurers sought for ongoing friday night expeditions leaving from PaxOku Tea House at 8pm.
SPRING POETRY CONTEST – April 20th at 9pm. At the Shrine of Sobriety! Come read out a poem!